


You Found Me

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Not Canon Compliant, Out of Character, Rare Pairings, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Fine, leave. But before, just tell me you don’t love me. Or I’ll never leave you to him, Bella.”





	You Found Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, my prompt was Sirius/Bellatrix, post GOF. And I wrote this. And I think I was something like fourteen when I did, because there’s no other justification for this aberration. It’s cheesy, and it’s possibly the most Out of Character thing ever written. She kills him, for Christ sake. And I don’t really know what else to say. Timeline’s a little fuzzy, since Bella’s eight years older than Sirius, so I can’t really place in time the flashback about when they were together before Azkaban. Of course, as the prompt, let’s pretend Bella’s escape from Azkaban has happened half a book sooner than in canon. But after all, that’s not even the weirdest part, so whatever.

Sirius Black had escaped a prison to end up in another one right after. Was it called Azkaban or 12 Grimmauld Place made no difference; he still was a prisoner. His sole companion was Remus, who actually was barely standing him. He wandered the house with a tired and bored look, making plans he couldn’t put into action. It hadn’t been long since he had come back, less than a week actually, but he already felt like he had reached his limit. A few days before he wandered through Hogsmeade, close to Hogwarts and Harry, and he led a really awful life, but he was still free. The schoolyear was supposed to be over in a couple of more weeks, and then the house would’ve been a little livelier, but he still couldn’t be satisfied at this perspective.

There was nothing, actually, that made him feel satisfied.

“Sirius, cut it! I can’t bear with you anymore!” Remus told him, one day Sirius looked more intolerant than usual.

“Then leave.” he replied, cold. Remus sighed.

“You know I don’t want to leave, Padfoot. But neither I want to look at you for the whole day with a pout from here to Diagon Alley!” he scolded Sirius.

“I can’t help it, Moony. You know that being inside, without a chance to go out, to breathe... it’s not in my nature.”

“And what would you do? Go out for a stroll? And then perhaps go visiting a couple of Dementors?” he ironized. “I know you feel oppressed, Sirius, but there’s nothing you can do.” Sirius shook his head, convinced that his friend couldn’t even begin to understand him, and went upstairs to Buckbeak. The animal couldn’t speak, and if he couldn’t speak at least he couldn’t annoy him. He sighed. Never like during those days he thought about the past. When they were just kids, worriless, careless. Those days were the only reason that still brought a smile to his face, from time to time.

 

_“Padfoot.” James tells him, laid under the sun on the large lawn surrounding the school._

_“What, Prongs?” he asks lazily. He didn’t really feel like talking. He just wanted to be there, relishing the sun._

_“Do you ever think about after?”_

_“After what?”_

_“After the school.” Potter specifies. Sirius sits back up, looking at his friend as if he’d gone mad. Sirius had always worshipped the present; he hated the past and was completely indifferent about the future, and James knew as much._

_“No, actually I never thought about it.” he replies. “Why, have you?” his friend sighs._

_“At times. I just wonder... how we will be. Remus, Peter, you and I.” Sirius smiles._

_“We’re going to be the same, we’ll still end up in the same troubles, James.” he reassures._

_“Even when we’re going to be forty?” James provokes him with a smile. The Animagus grimaces._

_“Forty! I don’t know what I’ll have tonight for dinner and you ask about when I’ll be old?!”_

_“Forty is not old, Sirius.”_

_“At forty life is over. There’s not much more to experiment.”_

_“Oh, of course, I’m sure that by the time you’ll be thirty-eight you’ll have done all the girls in England.” James mocks him._

_“I’m not ruling that out.” Sirius replies, a malicious smile on his face. “You just have to promise me one thing.”_

_“What?”_

_“When you and Lily will get married, I’ll be your best man, alright?” James snorts, and stands up._

_“Now you’re just pissing me off.”_

_“You’re the one who started talking about the future! Well, these are my plans: we’ll grow old together and we’ll be Marauders until death!”_

None of that had happened. James had died, he had ended up in Azkaban, Remus had hidden himself from the eyes of the world, and Peter... Sirius didn’t even want to think about him.

They were defeated. That’s how Sirius had grown the idea that being young is for filling one’s head with illusions, and being adult is to watch those illusions fade. It was another reason why imprisonment suited him so little. And it wasn’t much about Azkaban, where he couldn’t even think because of the Dementors. Black Manor, instead, was home to awful memories, of a life he thought he had left behind, but most of all it was built too solid, too safe.

An animal in a cage.

He caressed Buckbeak, glad at least to have someone there who didn’t remind him of a much hated past, which he still was forced to relive in Remus’ features, in Harry’s eyes. And in memories. Those were never going to go away.

“I bet you’re laughing of me, Prongs.” he said, quiet. It happened more and more often to have imaginary discussions with his best friend. It was a little like having him back. “You’re thinking I’m an old wimp, aren’t you? A whole other thing than doing all the girls in England” he smirked. “But after all it made no sense without you next to me.” he blushed, convinced once and for all to have gone mad. “Were you a tad more polite, you’d answer. Instead, you like making me look like a fool.” he muttered. “What should I do, James?” he murmured; he shook his head. At times, he actually waited for his friend’s answer, as if nothing had changed.

He stood up, fed the Hippogriff and went back downstairs. At least, Remus answered his questions, he thought, still mad at James’ mental image he had created.

“Sirius, did I hear you talking to someone?” Remus asked as soon as he walked into the kitchen. He was genuinely worried about his friend. Remus had always been a bookworm, while Sirius barely stood being forced among four walls. He didn’t want for him to start being delirious. It really wasn’t the time.

“Yeah, I was talking.” he confirmed.

“With Buckbeak?”

“With James.” Remus stared at him, befuddled.

“Sirius... James is...” he started, cautious, but Sirius snorted and interrupted him.

“Moony, I’m begging you, give me some credit here! For the love of Merlin, I know he’s dead. That doesn’t mean I can’t talk to him. Just that he can’t” he looked up for a split second. “or doesn’t want to answer.” Remus shrugged, not convinced at all.

“Sirius, if you want to talk...”

“And what would you like to talk about? We’re discussed enough. I don’t want to be here and you say there’s no other solution. Closed case.”

“There’s nothing else bothering you?” Remus asked, gently. Sirius was tempted to snap, then he sighed and became more obliging.

“I don’t know, Remus. I mean, I’m thirty-five years old, and what do I have? Azkaban took away a good part of what I had left, after Voldemort. And being on the run did the rest.”

“You’ve got Harry. You’ve got me.” he replied, with his usual iron logic.

“It’s true. But Harry’s just a kid. He loves me and I love him, but sooner or later he’ll fall in love, he’s going to have a family... that family that I can’t keep being for him forever.” he took a deep breath. “And you... you’re my best friend but, forgive me, my first choice is not living with you until we’re both decrepit.” Remus thought about it, squinted and stared at him.

“So, are you saying you want a woman, Padfoot?” he asked, wondering why he was so surprised that his friend had changed so little. He’s had a one-tracked mind since the day he first met him.

Sirius lowered his eyes, almost embarrassed.

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t like that. But there’s no point even in talking about it. I can’t meet anyone new and the only girls I currently know are minors, married or relatives.” he pointed out.

Remus didn’t even reply, because there really was nothing to say.

Sirius sighed, and gave him a half smile. There was no point in explaining how he felt. How cold his bed was, how empty. And until he was locked up there, until he had no chance of meeting anyone outside of the Order, he was condemned to persevere in his actual condition. And, even if he was to gain back his freedom, it wouldn’t have matter, for he didn’t want _a_ woman. But that, he really couldn’t tell Remus.  

 

~

 

A few days later, his mental status greatly degenerated, he had to realise that his perspectives were a little wider than he had thought.

It was a Saturday night, summer holidays were about to begin and he couldn’t wait for someone to finally arrive and use the Order’s Headquarters as they were intended to. He thought it would’ve broken the monotony, at the very least.

That night, he felt worse than usual. He felt like suffocating, as if walls were closing in on him.

Remus was out on a mission, and he was alone. That was probably the reason why he made such a dangerous decision; he turned into Padfoot and went out.

When he finally was out, he felt like a new man – or dog, whatever. He breathed deeply, he ran, he barked. When he started to get bored, he devised quickly a plan to go and see Harry; he turned back for a few seconds, the time he needed to Apparate in the middle of Hogsmeade; then, as Padfoot, he ran, cutting through the Forbidden Forest. He was so taken, so euphoric for this momentary freedom, that he didn’t feel the presence at his back, if not a moment before being Stunned.

 

He regained consciousness a few minutes later. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the wand pointed right against him. He turned, and he squinted into the darkness. When he recognised the person in front of him he grimaced.

“Hello, Bella. It’s been a while.” the witch smiled.

“Look who’s here! Sirius Black alone and defenceless into the Forbidden Forest.” she grinned. “You’ve always been so little prudent, cousin.” she mocked him, getting closer.

“What do you want, Bellatrix?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. The Death Eater pretended to think about it.

“I’m still deciding. I don’t know whether I’d rather being praised by the Dark Lord for bringing you to him or if having a laugh watching the Dementors torturing you.” the man didn’t get agitated.

“And here I thought you hunted me down for something about the old times! You disappoint me, Bella.” the witch pursed her lips, tormented, and images from  more than a decade ago came to mind. Belonging, as she was seeing it, to another life.

 

_The two of them are lying in bed. They caress each other lazily. They don’t have the usual haste, Bella’s house is deserted. They don’t really feel like thinking about tomorrow, but it’s hovering, and it’s too close to be avoided._

_“You won’t do anything to rebel, will you Bella? Are going to marry Lestrange?” Sirius asks her, surrounding her with his arms._

_“Don’t even start it, Sirius. I’m not in the mood.” she replies, irritated._

_“You’re never in the mood when I bring this up.”_

_“Then stop doing it.”_

_Sirius sighs._

_“You know how I feel about it, what would you have me do? Stay and watch while you make the biggest mistake in your life?” she laughs, malicious._

_“Marrying Rodolphus wouldn’t be the biggest mistake in my life. You are. And anyway, you don’t feel anything for me. You just love all this.” she looks around the room and at themselves._

_“Also.” he confessed. “Why? Don’t you?”_

_“I didn’t say that. But it can’t go on like this forever, Sirius. We’re cousins. My mother would disown me, and since yours has already done that she’d kill you.”_

_“I don’t care. I don’t plan of being here long.” he sits up and stare in her eyes. “Run with me, Bella.” he proposed. She looks at him, her eyebrow raised._

_“You know I can’t, Sirius.”_

_“Just say you don’t want to.” he snorts. He gets up and dressed, she does the same and gets closer to the door._

_“Don’t be like this, please! You don’t understand how my family is and...”_

_“You family is exactly like mine. That’s why I left.” she squints, hateful._

_“I’m not like you, Sirius.” she says, and then she leaves, slamming the door._

That was the last time he had seen her before she became a Death Eater.

“Let’s just say too many years have passed, Sirius. Too many.” she points out.

“It’s not my fault.” he got defensive, and she grew more annoyed.

“Isn’t it? And what would’ve you had me do? To swear eternal love to you? And to get what in exchange?” she pushed the wand to his throat.

“Right, I’ve forgotten I’m not enough for the little, noble Pureblood. I’m a traitor of my own blood, am I not?” he argued.

Bellatrix closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to restrain from killing him on the spot.

“Don’t be an idiot as usual.” she hissed. He stood up and went closer, a few inches from her face.

“Did you ever think about me after that day, Bella?” he whispered.

“It doesn’t change a thing.” she replied, angry. Then he took her by the nape and pulled her closer, kissing her. The witch didn’t even try to fight it.

She put her arms around his waist, kissing him back. After a few minutes, they parted.

“Sirius, I...” she tried to say, her voice feeble. He put a finger on her lips, sighing.

“Don’t talk, Bella.” he murmured. Then he hugged and Disapparated with her, going straight back to Grimmauld Place. He threw her on the bed, getting on top of her.

“I’m his, Sirius.” she said, her tone sad, as he never heard before coming from her.

“You’ve spent your whole life doing what was expected of you. I think it’s time you do what you want.” he scolded her. “I just need to know that _this_ is what you want.” he said then, more gently. She turned up her nose, as if trying to fight something deeply-rooted in her nature. She sat up, moving him away.

“Whether I want it or not doesn’t make a difference. I’ve made my choices, I can’t go back.”

“Of course you can! You... you’ve got me, Bella. I’m here, and I’ve waited for you for almost twenty years.”

“You’ve not waited for me. You waited for _someone_. It’s always the same.” she sighed. “And I can’t leave my Lord. I have no desire to die.” she looked at him and caressed his face. “Though I can’t deny that having to leave makes me want it a little.” she whispered, then stood up.

“So you’re leaving, Bella? Again?” he tried to make her feel guilty. The witch’s gaze was cold now, as in the Forest before. The moment was gone.

“Goodbye, Black. This time you got off easy.” she said, dry. Then she disappeared.

“I wouldn’t say easy...” he murmured to himself.

 

~

 

During the next days, Sirius thought a lot about Bella. He hadn’t said anything to anyone, not to Remus, much less to Harry when he had arrived. Neither of them would’ve understood, they knew a Bellatrix different from the one he saw.

He knew all about her. They had grown together, they understood each other. She lashed out with him, she couldn’t stand Andromeda nor Narcissa, while he told her about his mother’s hysterias. Sirius had started seeing her as a woman years later, when their futures were already hanging by a thread. Just then they had become more than cousins, more than friends. James was the only one to know, but James wasn’t there anymore to tell him what to do, and Sirius had never been too good at making the right choices on his own.

Anyway, she solved his problem. One day, she just appeared in Sirius’ bedroom, as if she belonged there. It was early morning, and the whole house was wrapped in silence. Sirius was asleep as well. She patted his shoulder, shook him gently and smiled when he jumped.

“Good morning.” he said, his voice sleepy but enthusiastic.

“’morning.” Bellatrix’s tone was much less thrilled than the man’s.

“What are you doing here?”

She didn’t answer right away. She looked around, then looked back at him.

“Making a mistake.” she said, then joined him in bed and kissed him. Sirius, after a moment of dismay, took the initiative and dragged her under the blankets.

 

“I missed you, you know?” he said, wrapping her in his arms. He smiled, as opposed to her, whose eyes had never ceased being grim.

“I’ve missed you too. But...” she hesitated. “Don’t get used to it. I caved for a moment, that’s true. But what I’ve told you has stayed the same.” he frowned.

“You can’t belong to him, Bella. There’s got to be a way to...”

“There’s not.” she interrupted him. “I know you won’t like the argument, but... I owe everything to Voldemort. It’s thanks to him if I am who I am today.”

“And you actually like who you are?” he asked, dubious. She shrugged.

“I’m powerful. I’m at the service of the most powerful wizard in all times.” she laughed, with that high pitch that Sirius despised, that made her look crazy. “I’d say it’s not so bad.”

“Are you happy?” again, that laugh.

“Do you still believe in happiness, Sirius? Really?”

“Since I’ve seen you again, kind of.” she caressed his hair, as pitying him.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. But you’re on one side and I’m on the other.”

“We’re not talking about a war.” he replied, more and more irritated at her every word.

“Of course it’s a war.” she shook her head. “The truth, Sirius, is that you’re too good at fantasizing and too bad at living.” she sentenced. The man got offended.

“Can you please tell me why you’ve come here this morning?”

“Because I wanted to be with you, Sirius.”

“Then stay.” he begged. She sighed.

“I can’t. I’ve got to go.” she got dressed. “But it doesn’t mean I won’t come back.” she said, the same malicious look in her eyes. He got sadder.

“Next time you come, can you do me a favour? Bring my Bella, not his.” he said, bitterly. She didn’t answer, and Disapparated.

 

~

 

And time kept going by. His chains had been indefinite, before. There was boredom, there was oppression. But never a clear reason. Now he knew it was her fault. He couldn’t help but thinking about her, but comparing the strong and resolved girl to the cold and empty woman Voldemort had forged during the years.

Remus had noticed there was something different in him. Before, Sirius had been resigned, lazy, surly. Now he saw a light in his eyes. There was rage. When he asked what was going on, his friend was vague.

“Nothing, Moony. It’s like usual, the same sense of... inconclusiveness.” he explained quickly.

“No, Padfoot, I know you. There’s something on your mind.”

“What could possibly be, Remus? Nothing ever happens to me, I overthink stuff, that’s it.” the other man stared at him, doubtful.

“Alright. Let’s pretend I believe you. Just... don’t do anything stupid.”

 _Too late, Moony_ Sirius thought, smiling.

That night, he finally decided to do something. He went out, stealthy, and went to Malfoy Manor, knowing that the woman was very likely to be there. He hid in front of the house, waiting.

It took almost an hour before he could see her from a window. She was alone, and he smiled. His plan could’ve worked, or he could’ve died in a few minutes. It didn’t really matter. He Apparated inside the house, behind her. He put a hand over her mouth and took her away.

He decided to Apparate in the middle of the Forbidden Forest instead of Black Manor, where someone could’ve seen them. Bellatrix struggled, until she got rid of the man’s grasp.

“Sirius, have you completely lost your mind? What do you think you’re doing?” she yelled. He shrugged.

“I’m taking back what’s mine.” was his only explanation. She screamed.

“You’ve got to stop acting like a spoiled brat.” she pulled out her wand, aiming it against him. “I’m going away now. I’d like for you to stop acting crazy.” he didn’t comment on this one.

“Fine, leave. But before, just tell me you don’t love me. Or I’ll never leave you to him, Bella.” he threatened. She clouded.

“You know I can’t. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“If you can’t say it, I can’t let you go.” he took his wand as well. Bella grinned.

“What? Do you want to fight?”

“Yes, if there’s no other way to keep you here.” he replied, serious. She put her wand back in her pocket.

“Put that away.” she ordered. Sirius did as he was told, and got closer.

“He doesn’t rule over everything, Bella. There’s five continents out there. We can go wherever we want, be whomever we want, live as we’ve always wanted to.” she hesitated.

“How can you promise it, Sirius? What if one day you realize you’re tired of me?” she reproached him, bitterly.

“Of you? I doubt it.” he said, laughing; then he held out a hand. Bellatrix shivered. If she had taken Sirius’ hand, she was sure her life would’ve radically changed. It was something she had dreamt about, yet now she was scared. Of the consequences, of him disappearing. But, right in that moment, something happened that she hadn’t experienced in years. Her heart started beating faster, that heart she believed to be frozen and lost forever. For once, she decided to listen to it. She took Sirius’ hand and held tight onto it.

 

~

 

Sirius was very good at fantasizing, not so much at living.

It had been a short bliss, but it had happened, and he still was satisfied by it.

But Bellatrix had always been right, they didn’t belong to each other anymore, and there wasn’t love strong enough to erase those years spent apart.

As he looked in her eyes while they were fighting, he smiled to her.

He forgave her.

Killing him was the only choice that could make them both have some peace with what they couldn’t have anymore, and he accepted death gladly, coming from her hands.


End file.
